"Your life is now divided into two halves - how you were before Russia and what you became after Russia." -Igor
Tuesday, February 8, 2011
Saturday, December 18, 2010
the final post.
Staring at the empty suitcase.
Don't think I'll feel like posting after this moment.
It's pretty basic from here on out: I pack, I sleep, I get on a plane for too many hours, get home and crawl into bed for 3 days.
My first impulse is to philosophize about my experience, so bear with me. Or skip the next paragraph or so, if it's not your cup of tea.
For the past three months, I've worked more than I've ever worked. And you've sort of followed me through this. I wrote down the things that happened, and shared some of my thoughts and impressions, told you about the work and the people and the city. But a person can't encapsulate three months of life and emotion into a blog, and you know that. It'll be difficult to describe this experience when asked. Where do I start?
"How was Moscow?!"
"Cold."
So forgive me, if I return and can't articulate. I won't know how. I don't know how to tell you about my family here. I don't know how to describe the ecstasy and despair, which sound like dramatic extremes but truly are not. Greg and Darren belting in the kitchen, Lydia with her prayers and her cookies, Katie's Nina and her heart and simply everything, Ariana's boy stories and the morning process, Rachelle's crunchiness, Jenny's role as my older sister, Donovan's sudden etude ideas, Jacquie's smile and help with my back bend, Tanya's sweetness, Jen's first shot and lovely energy, Kelley's constant photographs, Rachel's life as Lyudmila, Grady's Lazy Hazy Crazy Days of Summer, Josh's biting wit and preference for vodka, my philosophical conversations with Griffin and his alcoholism, Matt's frenetic and radiating energy, John's sarcasm, Megan's smile and bounciness, Shay's bangs... the little things that made up my life between classes and etude meetings and scene rehearsals. The morning hike to school with my headphones on as I attempted to walk 2 miles in the bitter cold in 20 minutes sans breakfast, those days that I woke up late. The 5 minute runs to PrimeStar between classes, apple blini and cappuccinos. The extraordinary amount of pasta and pasta sauce, all the time. The stumbling out of bed to wake up Ariana with a time check as I walked in and out of the room every morning. Trips to the theatre and having to collect tickets from everyone. Running etude meetings, and the now-hated storyboards. Walking across the little park to the blue productie and then to the green one once the blue one closed. The hours spent in Coffee House (Кофе Чауз) listening to techno, those two weeks that our Internet went out. The time that it took me and Darren to learn to listen to each other. The time it took for me to be willing to take apart my life to find Sarah. The knowledge that I'll be able to do that with all characters... that I've learned, at least a little bit, to combine. My newfound endurance and real passion for people. Knowing that everything, everything, can be used as fuel for my work.
So I suppose that's more summarizing than philosophizing, but both are helpful.
I don't think I'm the same. I don't know how I'm different, and I suppose I'll know more once I return, but I don't think I'm the person who left for Connecticut way back in September.
So I'll pack, I'll sleep, I'll get on a plane for too many hours, get home and crawl into bed for 3 days. I'll have Christmas with my family, then return to New York City to my new apartment with Katie. And life will continue. Life will continue with significant changes. Who knows what they are, but I think that they'll be there, apparent perhaps only to me.
So in love with everything about my life here that I can't fit it into text.
Not ready to leave, but ready to go back to the other side of the world.
"It is paradoxal." -Oleg
So there it is. There we go. This is where this story looks for closure.
All my love,
Marissa Elaine Parkes
evaluations and the farewell party
I had always imagined the MXAT evaluations to consist of a panel of all the teachers sitting behind a long conference table, Anatoly Smeliansky sitting in the middle of them. One by one, they would evaluate my work, telling me what they thought of my participation in each of my classes.
But actually, it was just me and Oleg. We said goodbye to Sasha right after the final, as he was leaving the country the day after, so he wasn't at the evaluations. But I walked into the American Studio, and Oleg sat behind this little table, and we chatted. Talked about class as a whole, then about my specific scene. I won't write out our conversation here-feels too personal for a blog entry. But it went well, and then it was done, and I went to the Starbucks across the street to sit with others whose evaluations were finished. We went through our journals and pulled all the crazy quotes we had from our teachers and shared them. Then we went back to the Studio for our final Theatre History class with Smeliansky. We talked about our impressions of Moscow theatre, the best and the worst (my favorite: Masquerade, least favorite: Medea). Smeliansky paid us a huge compliment, saying that in the 20 year history of the NTI-MXAT exchange, ours was the best, most remarkable group. He said that he considered us colleagues, not students, which was enough to make me cry. And then we stayed for the Farewell Party with our teachers, during which I cried all over again. We said goodbye to Oleg for the last time, which was awfully awful. I had to avoid Katie, because we made each other cry.
We all slowly made our way back to the dorm, where we drank and somehow, a game of Spin the Bottle began (?). We avoided goodbyes and ate chocolate chip cookies and deviled eggs that Lydia made (I ate the cookies, anyway... eggs freak me out-thus, my extreme lack of protein on this trip, because I also don't eat red meat). And then I made my way to bed at around 3, woke up at 11, and here I am. Waiting until 1:45 to leave for the souvenir market once again, to do last-minute shopping for myself and others (hehe). Hopefully avoiding the rioting as I make my way there... ( http://www.themoscowtimes.com/news/article/cops-averting-riots-heave-sigh-of-relief/427009.html )
Packing tonight, leaving tomorrow. Really and truly can't believe I'm leaving behind my life here... But something that Igor (Group 1 Acting teacher) said last night at the Farewell Party really struck me:
"Your life is now divided into two halves - how you were before Russia and what you became after Russia." -Igor
So we'll see.
lovelove.
m.
Wednesday, December 15, 2010
the beginning of the end...
The Acting Final.
Feels like it happened over the course of a minute-I started backstage and then I was bowing and presenting roses to Sasha and Oleg. My scene went well. It wasn't the best it's ever been-I hoped it would be, but didn't expect that of myself; I couldn't. Darren and I listened to each other, we spoke to each other, and he left the scene, as he always does. And I ran after him, as I always do. Then I sat backstage and opened and closed the curtain for set changes and then we all walked out...
We saw people, and it was the passing "Oh my gosh, you were so good!" The comment that's sincere, but you want them to say more. You want them to say "You were so good, and I loved that moment when __________!" You want them to notice the attention you paid to all of those details, all the work you did to figure out these people. And then you remind yourself that it's enough. It's enough to know all of it for yourself, for you and your scene partner to have these things in common.
But it's over, and what now?
I have a singing final in the morning. We watch the other group perform tomorrow afternoon. Then we get absolutely and entirely drunk together, just our group. We recover and then start over on Friday morning with everyone as we pretend to pack. Saturday we do last minute shopping for friends and family, spending as much time around each other as possible. We get drunk again, cry all over again. We wake up Sunday and actually pack. We get on a plane and fly around the world. We land in JFK. I stay in the airport for 12 hours, then catch my flight to Nashville...
And then what?
What will I do without Russia?
The blog is almost over. A few more days, a few more details. I'll return home and see everyone again and they'll ask me what it was like and I won't know what to say. But we have a few more days! Yes, we have a few more days.
Monday, December 13, 2010
MXAT finals, take 1
So much done. So much to do!
Accomplished so far:Thursday-Stage Combat finalFriday-Movement finalSaturday-Russian Cinema final class
Stage Combat was entertaining. I got to beat up Adam (the girls were supposed to win all of the fights). It was technically perfect, but we had a small story line issue. (I clocked him because he grabbed my shoulders while I was jogging. Which you generally don't do when someone touches you. Generally, you look and see who it is.) But other than that, it went really well. There was a confusion with the timing of the class, whether it ended at 11:30 or at 1, but all was resolved when a frustrated Nastia came in and clarified that class ended at 11:30, and who's missing Voice class right now? So I ran into Voice, sang my solo, ran back and fought Adam, then went back and sang my duet with Adam. Luckily, the rooms are right next to one another, but it was still a little crazy for everyone. Pretty sure the fight was videotaped, so I'll post it (or a link or something) when I can, probably on Facebook.The class frustrated me quite a bit, but when choreographing my fight with Adam, I realized how much crazy stuff I've learned, in spite of my frustrations. Which I suppose is one of the things you're supposed to realize after a life-changing experience... And I'm sure that at one point or another, probably them minute I get on the plane, that's how I'll feel about the past three months.
Movement: Tiring. We had class with the other group and showed each other what we've done. Exercises first, then our massive Lion King etude. (All the little etudes pieced together into a continuous story line.) We ended with the Lioness Hunt from the Broadway soundtrack, which was pretty badass. I almost killed Todd (I abandoned him in order to kill Donovan, who was daddy elephant). A back tuck over his back and pinned him to the ground, thus killing him and dragging his carcass away to the heap of boys on the side of the room. It was a lot of fun. It's funny-thinking back to the beginning of the semester. In acting, doing our animal etudes, I chose a wolf. And creating a wolf's body was so difficult. My arms hated holding me up, and my core killed afterward. But now it feels normal to create wolves/lions/hyenas. Crazy? I think so. At the end of the class, Vlad told us that he had never seen a final performance like ours, ever, in the American Studio. So we were pretty happy to receive that compliment...
Saturday: Had our last Russian Cinema class, in which we discussed our final papers (a response/analysis of one of the films we watched), discussed the last movie we watched (War, a Russian documentary-style film about the Chechen War), and saw the movie Wedding, whic was depressing but strangely optimistic. And we had Acting.
Acting: This is it. We're down to the wire. It's Tuesday now, and we have our final dress tonight. It's remarkable how far Darren and I have come. For a long time, we were stuck in this corner, unable to figure out just what Ivanov and Sarah want, how they relate to one another, why they behave the way they do. How to speak for someone who hides what they want to say? Laughter through tears. It sounds like something a martyr does, but I think that normal people do it-sometimes out of hopelessness. What can you do but laugh at the impossibility of your situation, when you're dying of tuberculosis, your husband has depression and won't let you come with him and won't touch you and has an interest in a young girl who lives elsewhere? It's so preposterous that there's no alternative but laughter. But at the same time, you care so much about the man that's causing your misery that tears are inevitable, as well. What is it to feel this attached to the idea of a man as he was, the one who loved you? Darren and I have looked at all these things-his mostly from Ivanov's side, although he finds Sarah a more interesting character. We had a breakthrough the other night-we were sitting down in the studio, being frustrated because we both felt that we weren't getting much done and we had received a lot of notes that day, that we didn't know what to do with. So I suggested two exercises. 1) Play the scene at extremes. He plays the most radical version of Kolya that he can think of, and I'll play the extreme Sarah. And the scene turned into a melodrama. It was interesting-he discovered how difficult it could be to listen to me, to just tune me out instead. I realized that in order to keep fighting for him, I had to have some hope, and thus needed him to listen to me. So, as any good scene partners should do, we've developed a huge dependence on listening to your partner. Which is one of those #1 rules that everyone knows but doesn't always work with.And 2) We sat down and spoke the scene to each other. We get so intent on the fact that it's a "scene" sometimes that we forget that it's two people, husband and wife, having a conversation. And once we did this exercise, things clicked. We were reminded to talk to each other. Another of those rules that no one thinks about when they put it into practice.
Had a surprise rehearsal on Sunday from 2-6, which ate up our last free Sunday in Moscow. Which sucked, but at the same time, no one was upset. We like rehearsing, and we'd started running the showcase from beginning to end, and that's been a lot of fun. Darren and I have the first scene (no pressure?), which means I have a quick change from the black and whites I wear in our training portion of the show into my Sarah costume (a very pretty pale blue dress with black lace), and then I walk into my scene. Not much prep time, but it's working well thus far.
And then yesterday, Monday, we had Voice and Ballet, the last time we'll have these classes. Terrifying thought. I didn't do so well in Voice. We were there at 10, but the American Studio was, as usual, freezing. Which wasn't any good for our voices, and we remained cold for the whole run-through of our final on Thursday. My solo was okay, not great, and I sang at half-voice for one reason or another. That's just what came out? My mouth forgot about articulating, my throat forgot to go up instead of fall down, my lips forgot to smile... It was a frustrating 5 minutes of talking to Marina. But I'm glad she cares enough to spend extra time working with me. And Larissa loves our ballet class. We got out 20 minutes early (after starting 10 minutes late, due to Voice class running over). AND...After class, Larissa was speaking with Ariana, and told her that our group, after 3 months, knows as much ballet as her fourth-year Russian students. And I'm sure we're not as clean as they are, but the fact that we know as much? How ridiculous is that? So I'm super proud/happy for my group. Our final is on Wednesday morning, before our acting showcase.We took the time tonight to clean all of our dances (Ballet exercises, Russian, Tango, Tarantella). But we had to start at 9 and ran until 11... We planned to start at 7:30, but Oleg and Sasha kept us over by and hour and a half, doing notes for individual scenes from the run-through today.
Anatoly Smeliansky's birthday was yesterday, so we bought him roses. It was very cool to see how excited/pleased he was to receive a gift from the American students... and his office is gorgeous. Also ran into Preston Whiteway, the director of the NTI MATS program, who's here to see our finals. We had a small chat with him as we headed to Stage Design, where we had our final set presentations. I presented set design research/concepts for Ivanov, and our professor, Victor, applauded my ability to compose color palettes well, using dramaturgy as a guide. And my head inflated a little more than it has already. It's good to know that I haven't completely wasted these last few months, anyway.
And now, to sleep? A chill day tomorrow-meeting with Preston in the morning, then watching the NIU (Northern Illinois University) students perform their final, then starting Acting at around 5. Goodness knows how long we'll be there, but I'm excited anyway.
It's good to be so incredibly and remarkably invested in this, my work.
love to all y'all over therei'll be seeing you soonish (some of you, anyway)
lovemarpar
Accomplished so far:Thursday-Stage Combat finalFriday-Movement finalSaturday-Russian Cinema final class
Stage Combat was entertaining. I got to beat up Adam (the girls were supposed to win all of the fights). It was technically perfect, but we had a small story line issue. (I clocked him because he grabbed my shoulders while I was jogging. Which you generally don't do when someone touches you. Generally, you look and see who it is.) But other than that, it went really well. There was a confusion with the timing of the class, whether it ended at 11:30 or at 1, but all was resolved when a frustrated Nastia came in and clarified that class ended at 11:30, and who's missing Voice class right now? So I ran into Voice, sang my solo, ran back and fought Adam, then went back and sang my duet with Adam. Luckily, the rooms are right next to one another, but it was still a little crazy for everyone. Pretty sure the fight was videotaped, so I'll post it (or a link or something) when I can, probably on Facebook.The class frustrated me quite a bit, but when choreographing my fight with Adam, I realized how much crazy stuff I've learned, in spite of my frustrations. Which I suppose is one of the things you're supposed to realize after a life-changing experience... And I'm sure that at one point or another, probably them minute I get on the plane, that's how I'll feel about the past three months.
Movement: Tiring. We had class with the other group and showed each other what we've done. Exercises first, then our massive Lion King etude. (All the little etudes pieced together into a continuous story line.) We ended with the Lioness Hunt from the Broadway soundtrack, which was pretty badass. I almost killed Todd (I abandoned him in order to kill Donovan, who was daddy elephant). A back tuck over his back and pinned him to the ground, thus killing him and dragging his carcass away to the heap of boys on the side of the room. It was a lot of fun. It's funny-thinking back to the beginning of the semester. In acting, doing our animal etudes, I chose a wolf. And creating a wolf's body was so difficult. My arms hated holding me up, and my core killed afterward. But now it feels normal to create wolves/lions/hyenas. Crazy? I think so. At the end of the class, Vlad told us that he had never seen a final performance like ours, ever, in the American Studio. So we were pretty happy to receive that compliment...
Saturday: Had our last Russian Cinema class, in which we discussed our final papers (a response/analysis of one of the films we watched), discussed the last movie we watched (War, a Russian documentary-style film about the Chechen War), and saw the movie Wedding, whic was depressing but strangely optimistic. And we had Acting.
Acting: This is it. We're down to the wire. It's Tuesday now, and we have our final dress tonight. It's remarkable how far Darren and I have come. For a long time, we were stuck in this corner, unable to figure out just what Ivanov and Sarah want, how they relate to one another, why they behave the way they do. How to speak for someone who hides what they want to say? Laughter through tears. It sounds like something a martyr does, but I think that normal people do it-sometimes out of hopelessness. What can you do but laugh at the impossibility of your situation, when you're dying of tuberculosis, your husband has depression and won't let you come with him and won't touch you and has an interest in a young girl who lives elsewhere? It's so preposterous that there's no alternative but laughter. But at the same time, you care so much about the man that's causing your misery that tears are inevitable, as well. What is it to feel this attached to the idea of a man as he was, the one who loved you? Darren and I have looked at all these things-his mostly from Ivanov's side, although he finds Sarah a more interesting character. We had a breakthrough the other night-we were sitting down in the studio, being frustrated because we both felt that we weren't getting much done and we had received a lot of notes that day, that we didn't know what to do with. So I suggested two exercises. 1) Play the scene at extremes. He plays the most radical version of Kolya that he can think of, and I'll play the extreme Sarah. And the scene turned into a melodrama. It was interesting-he discovered how difficult it could be to listen to me, to just tune me out instead. I realized that in order to keep fighting for him, I had to have some hope, and thus needed him to listen to me. So, as any good scene partners should do, we've developed a huge dependence on listening to your partner. Which is one of those #1 rules that everyone knows but doesn't always work with.And 2) We sat down and spoke the scene to each other. We get so intent on the fact that it's a "scene" sometimes that we forget that it's two people, husband and wife, having a conversation. And once we did this exercise, things clicked. We were reminded to talk to each other. Another of those rules that no one thinks about when they put it into practice.
Had a surprise rehearsal on Sunday from 2-6, which ate up our last free Sunday in Moscow. Which sucked, but at the same time, no one was upset. We like rehearsing, and we'd started running the showcase from beginning to end, and that's been a lot of fun. Darren and I have the first scene (no pressure?), which means I have a quick change from the black and whites I wear in our training portion of the show into my Sarah costume (a very pretty pale blue dress with black lace), and then I walk into my scene. Not much prep time, but it's working well thus far.
And then yesterday, Monday, we had Voice and Ballet, the last time we'll have these classes. Terrifying thought. I didn't do so well in Voice. We were there at 10, but the American Studio was, as usual, freezing. Which wasn't any good for our voices, and we remained cold for the whole run-through of our final on Thursday. My solo was okay, not great, and I sang at half-voice for one reason or another. That's just what came out? My mouth forgot about articulating, my throat forgot to go up instead of fall down, my lips forgot to smile... It was a frustrating 5 minutes of talking to Marina. But I'm glad she cares enough to spend extra time working with me. And Larissa loves our ballet class. We got out 20 minutes early (after starting 10 minutes late, due to Voice class running over). AND...After class, Larissa was speaking with Ariana, and told her that our group, after 3 months, knows as much ballet as her fourth-year Russian students. And I'm sure we're not as clean as they are, but the fact that we know as much? How ridiculous is that? So I'm super proud/happy for my group. Our final is on Wednesday morning, before our acting showcase.We took the time tonight to clean all of our dances (Ballet exercises, Russian, Tango, Tarantella). But we had to start at 9 and ran until 11... We planned to start at 7:30, but Oleg and Sasha kept us over by and hour and a half, doing notes for individual scenes from the run-through today.
Anatoly Smeliansky's birthday was yesterday, so we bought him roses. It was very cool to see how excited/pleased he was to receive a gift from the American students... and his office is gorgeous. Also ran into Preston Whiteway, the director of the NTI MATS program, who's here to see our finals. We had a small chat with him as we headed to Stage Design, where we had our final set presentations. I presented set design research/concepts for Ivanov, and our professor, Victor, applauded my ability to compose color palettes well, using dramaturgy as a guide. And my head inflated a little more than it has already. It's good to know that I haven't completely wasted these last few months, anyway.
And now, to sleep? A chill day tomorrow-meeting with Preston in the morning, then watching the NIU (Northern Illinois University) students perform their final, then starting Acting at around 5. Goodness knows how long we'll be there, but I'm excited anyway.
It's good to be so incredibly and remarkably invested in this, my work.
love to all y'all over therei'll be seeing you soonish (some of you, anyway)
lovemarpar
Thursday, December 9, 2010
finals day one
hitch hike to school in a blizzard. beat up adam. sing with adam. get meowed at while singing a solo. eat grecka and poppy seed pastries. dance to ragtime in a semicircle. create a scandal with darren involving a hat. see an awesome production of Hamlet at MXAT. slip and slide on ice all the way home. become a lioness and devour donovan the elephant as i pretend to be in the lion king.
don't know that i can explain everything fully right now. almost 2 am. must wake up in 5 hours to rehearse.
peace love happiness sleep
m
Wednesday, December 8, 2010
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